SI Archives: The Laughter of Tomorrow
by Guardian54
Summary: The revamped SI Archives have begun going up over at Fictionpress under my same username. Of course, that means some of the hilarity of the future can also be previewed now over here, and that I needed to post a notice for readers to know that SI Archives is re-emerging. Well, here be some of the future lulz. Rating currently mostly for occasional cursing.
1. No Coincidences Here

**A/N: I have put the Preface, Foreword, and first chapter of the revamped SI Archives up on Fictionpress, the sister site of FFN (i.e. this site here). You can find it under Historical fiction. Log in using your FFN information (there is an option to do this), read it, and leave feedback there, please.**

This is in ME/C&C fanfic category because I have yet to actually publish the Archives and is absolutely hilarious IMHO. **These are far, far into the future of the SI Archives… which will purely use bland-name goods.**

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Preview 1: No Coincidences Here

 _Sometime in 2077, after the end of the Fourth Dust War_

 _Dad says that a person's identity is determined by their sense of self, their family, and their enemy…_ Lia Shepard (adoptive) kicked a loose pebble along the path as she walked along it, contemplating the alien portal. Although Ancestor Kane (who had coined his own name because "Crutch"—and yes, he was the secret origin of the concept of a Crutch Character—sounded too lame) had used Northwood Studios and later EE Games to deliver forewarning to humanity regarding Dust, there were still copyright issues with retarded GDI laws, so they weren't calling the tower what everyone who was familiar with early 21st century video games knew it to be. _For me that would be…_

 _Lia, for the name Mom and Dad gave me when they rescued me…_

 _Rats, because my whole family, including Uncle Jenkins, began as street rats during the Long Night of Solace, they survived and overthrew the depraved Christian States of America…_

 _And of course, ONI, because the GDI Office of Naval Intelligence is still after me, even though they cannot act as boldly as they used to…_

 _Holy bloody fucking shit._

* * *

The door slammed open. "DAD!"

John Shepard, who was dealing with signing more products for fans of that old video game series Buoyware had produced back in the day, looked up at his adopted daughter's thunderous bellow of rage. His hand closed on the pistol at his belt instinctively but managed to not draw it. Well, it was a good break from the work at least, lest his hand cramp or something… "What is it Lia?" His mother really shouldn't have let them use her and her sister's names, and then named him after their male default name just because it was convenient and a common enough first name. That would have saved him this tedious work… then again it was a lot safer than many other jobs…

"Get Ancestor Kane on the line as soon as you can. If there's a God out there somewhere… I suspect he is a Buoyware fan."

John Shepard looked down at the Buoyware merchandise he was busy signing off on "Uh… why do you say that?"

"Because the schedule for the Fourth Dust War in Ancestor Kane's fiction warning works was supposed to end in **2077** , which did happen in our history, though it didn't start in that year, that's for sure." Both grimaced thinking back on it "Buoyware's main plot line based on Kane's warning starts in **2183** , and a certain character in it is **one hundred and six** years old at that point? Dad, I'm considering heading through that gate with Ancestor Kane's lot… it'll get ONI off our backs and maybe you and Mom can consider having a kid or two, so I've been considering a new name for myself… as per the principles you laid out for me."

"So self, family, enemy, right? What does that have to do with Buoyware's coincidental numbering from the end of the Fourth Dust War for that woman's age?"

"Dad, I got LIA, RATS, ONI… I don't even have to mix and match it, just change the spaces and punctuation!"

John Shepard's face did a lot of funny twitching in mind-blown shock before he settled for staring down at a particular 109-year-old (by the end of the main series, 106 to start) blue alien's printed hug pillow which he'd just signed off on the tail end of. It was complete with a handwritten line of "I'm Confessor Shepard, and this is my favourite lover on the Citadel" as befitting his real-life rank. Though he wasn't just a Confessor anymore, it was still people's most common term for him… It took a moment before he finally spoke "…I really hope that's not an indication that you plan on doing something very wrong to me given I changed your nappies and all."

The facepalm would have been "heard" around the world had Lia not exerted tremendous psionic effort to suppress the psychic yell of frustration at her Dad's defensive response of excessive trolling.

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 **A/N:** I too was amazed by the number of coincidences that could easily arise from a Command  & Conquer/Mass Effect crossover. With RATS and ONI in place, LIA was easy… mind-blowing isn't it?

 **This was written largely as an announcement for my Fictionpress trial release of the SI Archives for people to give critique on writing style and other such aspects on. SO GO THERE AND TAKE A LOOK (Leave a review using your FFN info to log in!)**


	2. Sweet Jesus!

A/N: Not much to say here besides PLEASE GO POST A REVIEW OVER AT FICTIONPRESS (sign in with your FFN profile) CRITIQUING THE FIRST CHAPTER I POSTED FOR SI ARCHIVES.

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Shot 2: Sweet Jesus!

 _Sometime Late 2017 to Early 2018_

Kane grimaced "Any termination of pregnancy during the Desperate Eve Protocol other than by birth results in your body trying again, immediately."

"Right, so basically I'm stuck on Immaculate Conception Mode until this event is over and I get landed with at least two male semi-clones. So, any other female Immortals get this shit happening to them in known history?" In other words, Hannah was trying to figure out how many claims of Immaculate Conception in history were true.

"Well, there was one who wasn't anywhere close to us in gene set, who didn't even spec like most even halfway-to-us genotypes would, but who somehow had the DEP activate…"

Hannah sighed, wishing Kane had taught her more about the standard Hatchery Form (sometimes termed Hive Guardian, but since a certain game series already occupied the terminology the less politically correct alternative was used) Psionic artillery abilities (Apparently the "Torpedo Tits" trope is only a few thousand years younger than Mitochondrial Eve?) earlier, then she wouldn't need to stand for this except for saving on a uniform's cost, if that. And she really needed to get him to teach her how to fly using Psionics too… assuming it was even possible for psychic strains who didn't have wings, sacs, or some other sort of thrust control surface necessary for psionic code activation and reality-hacking… "Ave Maria?"

Kane nodded.

He regretted it shortly thereafter, despite almost dodging the punch completely.

* * *

 _Over a decade later…_

"Why else would I need this visor to cover my disfigurement? The Ion Cannon can only burn flesh, but a sufficiently angered psychic channelling her power to the limit… even against a much older and stronger opponent it _burns the mind, the soul and any flesh that tries to synchronize with that mind and soul!_ And I couldn't counter-strike her enough out of fear of doing noticeable damage! You do realize I was trying to stay hidden at the time?"

"I think he's finally lost it for real." General Solomon said in wonder to his aide at Kane's impassioned ranting over this video greeting that came shortly after the official beginning of the Second Dust War. Apparently Solomon had touched upon a painful subject for the ancient enigma of a man when he'd asked why the hell Kane had a visor over half his face… "Hey, are you sure the Ion Cannon didn't fry your brain?"

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A/N: What happens if we interpret Kane's visor differently?

 **GO OVER AND REVIEW CHAPTER 1 OF THE SI ARCHIVES, now on FictionPress!**


	3. Make THEM Pay for a Wall

A/N: Someone got his wish… Bland-name products were used, no trademarks or proprietary names were harmed in the making of this preview.

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Shot 3: Make THEM Pay for a Wall

 _Sometime during the Long Night of Solace…_

"Have we heard back from the Mexicans yet?" Hannah asked.

Jane answered "They plan on building their own border wall, citing the exact same reasons as the CSA and starting immediately."

"So 'to keep the barbarians to the north from wandering freely into our lands', huh? Yeah, sounds about right. Looks like Frump's Nazi dynasty got its wish."

"Yeah, good thing Frump died before he could take the Presidency, or the first thing we'd have had to do was smuggle a nuke into DC before he could escalate a pissing contest with anyone."

The Frump family had begun as KKK thugs, with Ronald Frump's father being arrested in 1927 for participating in a mass KKK riot. He had then proceeded to profiteer off the Second World War until he became a real estate mogul, refusing to rent apartments to non-white veterans after the war. Ronald had inherited enough millions in wealth that with even vaguely sensible investments he became a billionaire (and declared bankruptcy multiple times—The SI Constitution still bore the amendments made to prevent any similar bullshit from their own subjects) in time to start shit in the 2012 elections. Those had signalled the end of Brock Obama's reign and the beginning of the Long Night of Solace as the Republican Party seized power. It had changed too much from the party of Teddy Roosevelt, Eisenhower, or even Nixon (who created important environmental laws), and thus the United States of America was no more, hundreds of years of effort of libertarians gone in but a few short years.

The Christian States of America, or, as many called it, the Cannibal States of America, due to their use of the ultimate power trip and/or display of the Arrogance of Men was so full of insanity these days that Ronald Frump's campaign ravings were actually coming true. **The CSA was successfully managing to make the Mexicans pay for putting up a border wall.** The Mexicans had good grounds to believe the wall would keep the nutjobs out, because the CSA was too militarily fixated on its staring contest with the Shepards to the north have the ability to attack Mexico without risking a huge breach on its home front. Also, Mexican-SI relations were very good after the liberation of Mexico at the end of the Sixth World War from US puppet state status, and after the faction had launched a massive reformation and clean-up (of cartels) campaign. After all, if there was to be any one group running Mexico… then the Shepards had more than enough firepower to not tolerate rivals well.

"So what's their opinion on the idea of giving Texas back to them after the next war, since Texas grumbled about seceding from the USA so often back in the day?" Hannah asked, expecting something funny and appropriately vulgar as the verbatim reply.

Jane shrugged "They said that we'd have to fight a war with them to force them to take it."

"Sounds about right given the reports we've been getting."

The conversation turned to more serious topics such as the New Underground Railroad after that.

* * *

A/N: How to make the Mexicans pay for a border wall: make them believe that it will actually keep your crazies out.


	4. I Am Legends

A/N: Enter a certain series by "Bungle Studios". They reinterpreted most of the names to be more badass. For example, there was a certain "216 Misbehaving Lightbulb"… and no, whoever said the ancient number is 7 needs to have their heads checked, it should be 6.

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Chapter 4: I Am Legends

 _Sometime in the mid-22nd century AD_

"You are all my children, inheritors of all that we left behind… including the eternal struggle that is part of all life." The ancient AI informed them while they watched the displays. A long, long way away, its disparate forces, organic, mechanical, and fusion alike advanced across the status display screens toward the Array's main command center. The green tide flowed around the friendly crimson and burgundy icons of SI and Nod forces and over the golden Galactic Defence Initiative icons, subduing them all non-lethally as it rushed forward, such was the power of biological and synthetic existences in unity.

"I'm going to hazard a guess that it is the eternal struggle of classes, of defiance against what I refer to in my factional ideology as the Arrogance of Men." Hannah said, watching the end of the First Interstellar War.

"You would be correct… and if you were about to guess that Kane had a hand in Bungle Studios' work trying to warn humanity of the dangers out there, like he did with Buoyware and Eastwood Studios, you would be correct."

"Any other logic bombs you want to drop on me while we wait for the UN forces to capitulate? And why is your name so… _lame_ compared to what Bungle came up with?"

"Well, I went from an 'Ungifted' i.e. non-Psionic working-class brat to Empress, so the guys who kidnapped my soul as… or maybe shortly after I died—I can't remember, because of the time loop fusion issue that Crutch" said person would really prefer "Cane" even if you didn't deign to refer to him as the much cooler "Kane", but, well, he was a crutch character for humanity, and had been named by himself due to force of history and as a reference to Choice's origin "already told you about—they were a bit… upset. They believed me to be worthy of being no more than being a beggar…and beggars can't be choosers, so…" Beggar's Choice coughed a couple times to make her point, then continued informing her (very) distant descendant "I know, I know, 'Mendicant' as a term for a beggar just sounds so much more badass, but that's the beauty of interpreting visions sent as dreams and imaginings of concept."

"I'm surprised you answered the second part first… so is it too much to hope that you aren't going to throw any more logic bombs for now?"

"Well…" Choice sank into thought on how exactly to break it to her descendants—i.e. all humanity—that she technically inspired about half of human mythology in terms of female characters. Hell, it stretched all the way up to many goddesses having an obsession with celibacy or hating being touched because, well, she _had_ been Patient Zero for vulvodynia… Oh, and she shouldn't forget being Mitochondrial Eve either.

* * *

A/N: Cut off here for not spoiling too much while still being amusing (look up vulvodynia on Wikipedia if you don't know what it is).


	5. Epic Coding Fails

A/N: A salute to Rosario + Vampire, one of the series that had been in the plans to cross into the original SI Archives.

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Chapter 5: Epic Coding Fails

 _Circa 1400-1500 AD, Wallachia_

The third New Type Vampire to have existed since their creation stared at her teacher "You are not serious."

Harmony shrugged "Well, I had no idea what sort of measurement to use as the calibre of a psychic beam weapon at the time, so I designated it as having a calibre of X, for an unknown number, when the Ancestor presented me with the base weapon which I integrated into this sword. And since there is a legendary sword of similar name in the time I came from, well, this is X-Calibre… also known as Excalibur, said legendary sword."

"King Arthur's sword? Is it the same as the Sword in the Stone?" That had been a detail of the legend she was not familiar with and was curious about.

"I rented it to Merlin for a few years for the Sword in the Stone stunt. Then I rented it to him again from the lake where he could contact me directly with a receiver taking his calls. There, he could actually speak to me instead of being jammed from scrying for me or any other of his primitive magical communications. I had to help him affirm the guy's legitimacy by giving the sword to him again for a while, with a bit more bling this time than that stone" seeing her student looked a bit confused, she amended to "…bling means decorations. Now, it is time to pass it onto you and sic you on target designation 2S2."

The pink-haired vampire quirked her mouth momentarily in thought before saying "I see… more or less. Could you tell me what those designations of yours mean like you said you would once I finished my training… and why don't you help instead of calling it 'siccing' me on him?"

The old, old mortal—nanite serum aka Elixir of Life was GREAT—snorted "Of course I'll help, or you'll get absolutely squashed! The 2 designates that vampires were the second engineered combat strain encountered by Nod forces in the Galactic Civil War a hundred twenty thousand years ago. Notice the time frame. The time loop of humanity is why estimates of Mitochondrial Eve, the one woman all matrilineages trace back to, was estimated in my time by scientists as living anywhere from a hundred thousand to two hundred forty thousand years ago. She wasn't the only woman unlike the religious books you may have read, but no others produced unbroken female lines to the present day."

"You're going off topic, Teacher."

"Well, there was only one vampire classed as an S-level threat, though most vampires averaged around O by their classification scheme, everything R and above was just mad drawing board theory shenanigans until they encountered her… Since she was so superior to other vampires they coined her New Type, or by Chinese, the other main language of human society, 'Xin shi', which the Japanese who scried into the past transliterated with some interpretation to 'Shinso'. Anyhow, that vampire was called 2S1… her designation name with all the damage she did was Gvosdika, citing some piece of then-ancient, pre-time-travel and thus pre-colonization-of-that-homeworld data which associated the code and the name… Then there was the great Turning of the Vampires."

"Why then does Alucard not get a name while you coined me… Akatsiya?"

"2S1 Gvosdika is the code for a self-propelled artillery piece used by the civilization that began with the Russians… well, Muscovy in this time period, to be specific. There was no 2S2 in the Russian Army, and 2S2 in his current mental rut isn't worth of bearing a name anyhow, so 2S2 is what I'll call him. However, the 2S3 used the Russian for Acacia, which was…"

The pink-haired vampire, now identified, sighed "…Akatsiya."

"That's right. Of course, you need not follow this scheme when naming your children… but I'd appreciate if you might think of your teacher when that day approaches, and invite me over to help take care of you if needed…"

* * *

"There are many reasons why I go by Akasha, though I have long forgotten my birth name, and forsaken the name Alucard gave me when he took me under his wing. It is due to my teacher, the Second Dread Lord. She gave me this name, and, well, I interpreted it as needed." Akasha told her daughter, preferring to stay away from the fact that her daughter's last name, which was matrilineal, was only a slightly modified version of the name her teacher had initially granted her.

There were some things that didn't need to be widely known (such as the fact that the stronger monster strains were all constantly at least partly sealed by the Creed of the Dread Lords). After all, her daughter's succubus friend looked like a blabbermouth…

* * *

A/N: In my original plans for the post-WWV Uprising, Harmony would forever owe a debt of honour to the Yuki-onna for bringing the curse from Confucius' followers (after she killed him) on them, causing early infertility due to the assholes being butthurt at them being independent women. She had only noticed and disabled the curse for good in the early 1950s when she was idle between the 2nd and 3rd world wars. So, when Harmony, who had just broken numerous Yuki-onna out of the labs during the fall of the Empire in cooperation with the defecting Japanese Prime Minister and her old student Akatsiya (see below), came across the succubus labs, she rescued them all. Ageha Kurono was one of the few in good enough condition to join as they carved a path through to the reverse engineering prototype Psychic Dominator with plans to destroy it or use it to fix Japan. Since the device's operational area was only Japan, Harmony let Aono save his race from the massacre that SI would have inflicted on them, a greater one than near the end of WWII.

Ageha was so confused over not spontaneously miscarrying (the experiments included breeding experiments, but succubae will spontaneously miscarry if they aren't bonded emotionally to the father of their offspring) that she named her daughter "Chaotic Dream" after their family name of "Dark Dream", which hailed from before the firing of the Array due to reasons I won't spoil yet. If my reading of Kurumu's kanji is the same as Chinese, then that should fit. She found out later that the sperm sample they used on her was Aono's, and due to her respect for the man's sacrifice… Kurumu was only mentally seriously fucked up (hence why she doesn't manage to just seduce the guy outright) instead of miscarrying. And you can guess who Jane Shepard named Harmony's little brother after. And guess which kid later has the misfortune to get face-raped by someone's breasts regularly later on when his sister sends him in to encourage human-monster (ancient biologically engineered combat form or fetish fuel strains) relations…

GO SEE SI ARCHIVES ON FICTIONPRESS AND REVIEW MY STUFF THERE PLEASE!


	6. Sex Is Overpowered

A/N: You might wonder why Japan would accept the Maple Leaf with Bars as its overlord post-WWV, other than by right of conquest. Let's put it this way…

* * *

Shot 6: Sex Is Overpowered

 _Sometime in 2005, after the conclusion of World War 6_

"What are we going to do about the Japanese?" Hannah asked as soon as she returned from the peace negotiations where she'd gotten enough concessions from Obama, who had had to take over by force when Bush tried to deny handing over power.

"They're having their own insurrection right now."

"Really? I wasn't paying enough attention, too busy keeping the Americans at bay on the home front…"

Jane smirked at the thought of WHY the Japanese were having a massive uprising across their home islands "It seems that the seven years of uncensored porn we allowed them after they came under our hegemony made sure their young people were absolutely furious when their government defected to the other side in 2002. They reinstated censorship laws and cracked down on doujinshi artists… these impotent conservative old men really can't get their priorities straight… though it seems they took power because we didn't kill enough of them back in the Fifth…"

"I'm guessing our little girl is leading the revolt?"

"Yeah, Yuriko basically helped finally get it burning the moment she went back there, after the ceasefire."

"Good. Inform the Japanese that we'll let the Chinese Army handle them if they don't capitulate within a reasonable timeframe."

Jane raised her eyebrows "You really are much crueller than I am, aren't you, Hannah?"

* * *

A/N: The Chinese have a long cultural memory…


	7. The Power of YOUTH

A/N: Salutations to RWBY and Kantai Collection!

* * *

Shot 7: The Power of YOUTH

 _Circa 2195_

"The Americans have summoned Iowa for the first time… why did you feel the need to mention this in your message?" Hannah asked her ancestor.

Crutch… ahem, Kane (oh how he _loathed_ that original name that had been the birth of the concept of the "Crutch Character" long before the first role-playing games currently known were invented…) "Look at the picture, and the genetic sample analysis."

"No match for any well-known victim of the Long Night of Solace… but we hadn't run out of victims who were publicly enough killed and consumed for capital ships yet?" Victims of the Long Night of Solace served as genetic templates for the biological parts of the bodies of ship-girls, though their souls, or rather Psionic Waveforms, were imprinted from the wandering spirits of Pre-dreadnought to Third World War era warships.

"She reminded me of an old… acquaintance of mine. Long before the Galactic Liberation War, before humans managed to leave the planet I took them to, there was a heroine…"

"I'm pretty sure Amber Stone did not have those huge boobs, and her hair was much duller than that." Hannah said, remembering the picture that she'd been shown of the ideological founder of Nod.

"No, she didn't, but one of the comrades who aided her in the revolution, Yang Xiao Long, did. She also was famous for her blonde mane."

"…That name sounds familiar, I think I might have heard it somewhere."

"Almost two hundred years ago, a young man received a dream, inspiring him to create an animation series. Even though he was only reviewing the Empire-sanctioned version of history, one of the few remaining Empire AI breached the truce between it and myself and assassinated him. Such is the fear of the former ruling class of history, of the peasants understanding the past and learning from it. Still, Ohm did not die for nothing, for many fanfiction writers have already realized much of the history of that distant time. Many fiction writers too have subtly referenced it. Consider the Nod propaganda I put in games when I worked with Northwood Studios."

Hannah recited it for him "…Ever since man has had breath the Brotherhood has existed, for from the beginning, when man's struggle was with nature, not knowing where he would sleep, how he would eat, or whether he would survive to see the light of dawn, there have always been those who would lord over others. Those who believe that they, by some unseen right, hold power over others, and would push others down so that they might climb, are the greatest threat to mankind's existence. For many years has one man or one race prospered on the sweat and work of others…"

"Go watch RWBY, which is very loosely based on historical figures. Consider what the ruling Psi-users would do to the non-Psionic peasants, and why it took a revolution for them to begin venturing into space. You might be interested to know that they killed off the first character they had named Amber as soon as possible, perhaps out of fear of AI retaliation, not knowing I had long since eliminated the threat."

Hannah frowned "Interesting… I got a question, given how many words or concepts are crossed between Chinese and English languages due to this ancient, pre-Earth-Humans history, did she have any influence on the languages?"

"Well, since her berserk episodes due to hair damage were often referred to by her peers as 'the power of youth' and she sometimes acted rather childish, Yang is the source for the English term of 'young'. Her blazing yellowish Psi-glow also led to the Chinese naming the Sun after her, because the Star Remnant orbits is a lighter yellow compared to Sol. Ancient Chinese seers peering back in history thought the yellower Sun might warrant a name to match the blazing yellowish glow they saw being referred to as 'Yang'."

"How very complicated."

"Indeed…"

* * *

A/N: The crossover Yang images for Kantai Collection on Danbooru went into the "Hilarious in Hindsight" pool because those images were LESS Yang-like than the official Iowa art…


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